Because I Love Her
by eyesofgarnet
Summary: "I had too.  I couldn't keep holding her back.  She deserved more, I gave it to her."


He's been quiet for a few days now. Everyone has noticed but no one has had the guts to say anything to him. It's very unlike Puck to pass up throwing freshmen into the dumpster and giving a slushie facial to anyone he came across that he believed deserved one, which was basically anyone that wasn't in glee club at this point. They all find this new, quiet Puck odd. Even worse they have an idea why he's being like this, but again no one really has the guts to bring it up.

Everyone but Mike that is. He's sick of seeing his best friend acting like this. Like his entire world has been pulled out from under him because of a girl. Not just any girl though, Rachel Berry wasn't just any girl. She had been Puck's world for the last year since her break up with Finn. No one really saw their relationship coming but it wasn't that surprising either. They complimented each other well. Rachel had made him less of an ass and he had calmed her down (a little). It was hard to control her intensity. But they fit together, in a weird sort of way, like that puzzle piece you're sure wouldn't fit in a certain spot when it actually belonged right where you were looking. It was so wrong it was right.

So now Puck spends his days sulking through the halls of McKinley like someone shot his dog. It's sad really, to see him like this, going from resident badass to depressed. He doesn't go to class anymore; he doesn't see the point since she's not there. It's not like he was going just for Rachel, she was simply an added bonus, he was going because when he was with her he felt the need to be better, it was one of the many things she drew out of him. And glee club? Hell no. That's like repeatedly ripping off a band aid from a fresh wound. She's everywhere to him and he can't take it. So he did the only thing he could do, avoid every place that reminded him about her and the good times.

The only place he feels at home is on the bleachers. It was the only place he felt that it was ok to hate her because every time they ended up here during their sophomore and junior years they were fighting about something. It was his safe place. He could be mad and not feel guilty about it.

He doesn't hear Mike climbing the bleachers to sit next to him, and when he realizes he's sitting there Puck ignores him. He doesn't need some fucking pity party because his girlfriend (ex girlfriend now) was in New York, living her dream at some music school and he was stuck here missing her. It had been his idea to end all of this. She didn't need him holding her back. Rachel had tried to fight him on it, assuring him that it would work. She had even encouraged him to apply to schools in New York so that they could be together again. He ignored her when she had brought it. He wasn't good enough for anything like that. He was actually saying, and realizing for the first time, he wasn't good enough for her.

"So I'm just going to come out and say it," Mike says breaking into his thoughts. "What the fuck is your problem?"

As far as the rest of their friends are concerned, he and Rachel are still in a relationship. She had been gone for a month already and he just didn't feel the need to tell them what was going on, and apparently she didn't either because he would have already gotten shit from someone. He was content with them just thinking that he missed her. They didn't need any more than that. These people may be his friends, but at the same time some of them would love to watch him fall.

This however was the first time any of them had guts to approach him about it. He had known this was coming but he didn't expect it to come so soon. He figured they would just let him go on and be miserable until Rachel came to visit and then the cat would be out of the bag when everyone realized how they acted towards each other. Someone was bound to catch the sad glances they'd throw at the other.

Before he can stop himself Puck lets out, "I let her go." He shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal, even though it's a big fucking deal. Without her doing anything is hard. Getting up in the morning, eating, sleeping, everything in his life has become one big fucking chore because without her it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

Mike's eyes widen. He gets it, he gets everything; the lonely look in Puck's eyes whenever he glances at her old locker, his declining GPA, and his aversion to the choir room. He almost wishes he had seen it before.

"You what? How could you do that?" Mike asks. Even though he knows what Puck means he really doesn't want to believe him. "How could you just let her go?"

Puck takes a deep breath and sighs. "I had too. I couldn't keep holding her back. She deserved more, I gave it to her."

"Rachel deserves what she wants. She wanted you. I thought you wanted her too. Why did you really do it? There has to be more."

He doesn't want to answer the question, he figured he'd be telling Rachel this before Mike but Rachel was five hundred miles away in the city of her dreams and he was forever stuck in a one horse town, destined to be pumping gas for the rest of his life. Yeah he had dreams, but without her they didn't really seem possible anymore. And he was a selfish person for the most part, but he knew he couldn't be selfish when it came to her. Rachel deserved the world; all he could give her was Lima.

"Because I love her. I let her go because I loved her enough to let her go."

Mike shakes his head and stands up from his seat. "Ever tell her that? That you love her I mean. I'm pretty sure you would have gotten a black eye if you ever told her you weren't good enough for her."

He had a point. If Puck had ever brought something like that up to Rachel she would have punched him. Whatever Rachel Berry wanted, Rachel Berry got, and that was good enough for her in her eyes.

Puck shook his head. "No. Never seemed like the right time and when the right time came she was gone."

"You're a fucking idiot, Puckerman."

Mike started down the bleachers, leaving Puck to sit in the self pity he swore never to feel by himself.

* * *

Later that night he's sitting in his room with Matt, still wallowing in that self pity. Everyone knew after his conversation with Mike, that ass could never keep his mouth shut, and neither could his girlfriend. The one time you hoped Tina could be quiet, she runs her mouth to anyone within ear shot.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Puck asks Matt from where he's lying on his bed.

On the other side of the room Matt rolls his eyes. This is part of the reason he had come over here. They were all afraid Puck was going to throw himself out a window or something. He was getting ridiculously depressed over something he caused.

"Do you want the honest truth or do you want me to lie to you?" Matt asks. Puck shoots him an wicked glare. "You're a fucking idiot dude, just like Mike said."

They're right, he is. He let the only good thing in his life pack up and leave and all he did was say goodbye have a nice life. Normal people would have put a stop to something like that, but not him. He was a masochist when it came to his feelings. The more it hurt him the better.

Then he starts to formulate a plan. He can't sit here and feel sorry for himself for the rest of his life wondering what she's doing and who she's doing it with. He needs her. Even if it's only for one day, he needs her to know that he loves her.

"Lend me a thousand bucks." He tells Matt, well more like demands it. "I'm going to New York."

Matt looked at him like he's crazy, which he is. "Oh yeah, let me just get out my wallet I think I have a few thousand lying around somewhere…Dude, seriously? She told Quinn she was coming to visit in a few weeks. Just wait until she comes home. Then you can profess your undying love for her like you should have a year ago."

* * *

It takes a lot of courage for him to go near the choir room the next day after school, and a lot of forcing from Matt and Mike. Quinn's yelling at him to just go inside, but he's ignoring her. He'd gotten pretty good at that when she was forced to live with him their sophomore year.

"I'm not going in there," he states as he tries to push against Mike and Matt's arms that are on his back. "If you push me in that door I'm breaking your faces."

Quinn tries a hand at pushing him too, and it gives them all enough to get him through the doorway. Puck doesn't even glance around to see who's in there besides the rest of the glee club. He wants out and if he has to push Quinn he'll do it. It's not like he's going to hurt her or anything, she can handle it. He turns around and starts pushing all three of them out the door, their losing ground.

"I swear, Q, I don't have any problems with knocking you on your ass right now."

He starts pushing against the three of them again, using all his strength, when he a small hand touches his foreman. He freezes for a minute. Puck would know that touch anywhere.

"Noah." Her small voice comes from behind him, her hand still on his arm.

Puck can't move, he doesn't want too because if he's dreaming he's content with staying right there, her hand on his arm repeating his name over and over again. The only thing that makes him aware that he's not in some fantasy is that Rachel starts gripping his arm tighter and Mike pushes him around to face her.

"Rachel?" Her name is a whisper on his lips. He's finding it very difficult to believe she was standing right in front with him with this huge all knowing grin. It was as if she knew how much he had missed her since she had left.

He doesn't say anything, because really, what do you say to the girl you just let go so easily.

"You came back." He finally gets out, not caring about the vulnerability in his words, or the fact they have an audience of eleven watching them.

Rachel shakes her head at him and giggles. "Of course I came back."

"But you—you left."

She pulls her arm back to her side. This was going to take some explaining, and she was afraid to admit to him, to everyone, that New York wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She had loved the lights, the sounds, not having to drive a thousand miles to get to a grocery store or any other civilization for that matter.

"I did, but then I came back." She wants to make this as simple as possible for now. She'd explain everything more in depth later.

Puck cocks his head at her. That wasn't a Rachel Berry answer, it was too vague. "I can see you came back. Why did you come back? I thought New York was your dream."

"I—New York wasn't everything I thought it would be. New York didn't have you." Rachel starts moving closer towards him. Closing the space between them put her more at ease. "I missed everyone, especially you."

He had missed her too. Of course he had, he had spent the last month torturing himself. "I love you." Puck blurts out before he can stop himself. This wasn't exactly the way he had planned to say it but she needed to know, right now, before she could leave again.

She's speechless, and can't form any coherent thoughts. All she can hear is his words, on repeat in her head. He loved her.

"I—I love you too." Rachel finally finds her voice and tells him.

His hands find their way to her hips, grabbing her and pulling her towards him. They've been far apart enough. He leans down and brushes his lips against her, as her arms wrap around his neck.

"No more of this leaving shit, got me?" Puck says against her lips.

Rachel giggles and shakes her head before resting it her forehead against his. "Not unless you come with me." She steals another small kiss causing everyone in the room, including Mr. Schuester who had just joined them, to break out into awes and cat calls.


End file.
